Working Wives

Traditional ideology strictly confines women to domestic chores, while men exercised control over external economic, socio-political and military spheres; men also maintained dominance in inter-personal relationships. Domestic chores like cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping for food, looking for fuel, taking care of sick family members etc was not considered, and to a large extent even today is not considered as ‘real’ work. Though housewives performing these duties can be completely exhausted and tired by the end of the day, they are generally never given the credit of performing ‘real’ labour , and hence they are not seen as being entitled to any monetary or other reward. However urbanization, education, awareness of one’s right and the ever increasing cost of living has weakened the hold of tradition norms concerning a wife’s role. Thus today we have wives who either work full time or part-time outside their homes in exchange for some kind of monetary compensation.

In modern times, a significant number of employed women work as full-time employees who are as deeply devoted to their professions as their male counterparts. These women thrive on climbing up the ladder of social success. Just like male employees, they too attach great importance to frequent promotions, raise in salary, raise in designation etc. However in a society that is still in a transitional phase, oscillating between rigid traditional norms and modern concepts, such women (especially if they are married into conservative families) have to deal with numerous problems. To begin with, in India household chores are not viewed as an act of partnership between the husband and wife. Regardless of whether the wife is a working woman or not, domestic duties are still seen as her sole responsibility. In many Indian homes after a long day at work the husband can be found relaxing in front of the television, while the wife who has put in similar hours is expected to catch up with her cooking and cleaning duties once back home from work. She is expected to perform numerous and often mutually incompatible roles and be perfect and absolutely sincere in all of them. She is expected to be a dutiful wife, obedient daughter-in-law, affectionate mother, and simultaneously also a confident efficient smart employee. Everyone—her husband, in-laws, children and her boss, expect one hundred per cent from her always. In trying to meet this expectation for perfection from various quarters, the working wife takes on more tasks than she can humanly handle. As a result she is overworked and stretched to the limit. Her health begins to suffer; she is constantly tired with hardly any time for personal recreation which makes her irritable. This in some cases leads her to develop a temperament prone to nagging and bickering, particularly if she finds her family displaying an attitude of indifferent nonchalance towards her dilemma.

In middle-class families that are economically relatively well-off, the wife tends to be looked at as a ‘secondary earner’; her job is to merely ‘supplement’ the husband’s income. Her career and professional advancement is not to be taken as seriously as the husband’s. If the wife complains about being over-burdened with work and requests her husband’s help, the husband instead of helping her might ask her to quit the job since she is unable to handle the dual functions of a homemaker and an employee. Wives who find their jobs intellectually stimulating and fulfilling might begin to resent the fact that their professional aspirations can be so easily sidelined and disregarded.

Working wives also face problems caused by geographic and time constrains. Since traditionally a ‘good’ ‘proper’ wife is supposed to live with the husband in his house, married ladies from conservative families are discouraged from applying for promotions or taking up job assignments which require them to temporarily shift residence to another town, city or country. Thus they have to give up prestigious job placements. Similarly working late night shifts might also be frowned upon. In rare cases when independent-minded women do take up jobs away from home, they often have to deal with careless office gossip and some form of harassment from certain male colleagues who misjudge such career-oriented wives as women of easy morals. Here a wife is made to feel insecure because her husband is physically absent from her immediate surroundings and is therefore unable to provide her with protection and social respectability.

There also exists a prejudice against married women in the employment market due to biological factors. Employers are sometimes wary of employing young newly-wed wives as they might become pregnant and go on maternity leave for months together. In the organized sector where women are entitled to ‘paid’ leave, employers might grudge having to shell out money despite the employee absenting herself from work. Further when a pregnant employee goes on leave, the employer has to deal with the inconvenience of having to scramble around looking for a replacement to fill up the temporary vacancy. In situations like these it might become difficult to find an appropriate candidate.

Due to career commitments a working couple might want to delay the child bearing process by some years. In modern times the existence of various contraceptive methods makes this option viable. But in our country where motherhood is still seen as the ultimate goal of every woman, if a wife delays having children by more than two or three years, she has to encounter subtle yet sarcastic comments, discreet inquiries and unsolicited advise on how to overcome fertility problems from well-meaning friends and relatives who like to interfere in the couple’s personal decision. At social get-togethers, for example, such ‘talk’ may make the wife very uncomfortable.

In the past one conventional reason for a ‘responsible’ son to get married was that there would then be a ‘nice’ ‘homely’ wife at home to take care of his parents in their old age. A ‘proper’ wife is even today expected to fulfill this obligation. Being hard pressed for time, however, wives with full-time jobs find it difficult to accommodate the needs of their aged in-laws into their tight schedule. Also working mothers find it impossible to attend all the children’s school functions, plan birthday parties, cook the children’s favourite dishes on a daily basis etc. With both parents working, a child often returns from school to an empty house. With rising incidents of crime, working mothers are never truly at ease in this scenario. Financially well-to-do wives solve this problem to some extent by employing full-time or part-time domestic help or a nurse, or by making use of crèches and day-care centres. But when these choices are not available, the wife is criticized for being unable to fulfill her womanly moral responsibility and made to feel like a failure.

There was a time when women took pride in their sewing, mending and culinary skills. One consequence of women entering the work-force in large numbers is the heavy reliance of present day society on ready-made articles, such as ready-made branded garments etc. Packed ready-to –eat snacks like chips and biscuits are easily available at local shops. Pre-cooked sealed meals that only need to be heated before being consumed are also beginning to make their presence felt. The nutritional and health value of these food items is still a matter of concern though.

Generation gap also creates its share of turbulence. The mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law in many homes exhibit incompatible mindsets due to age difference. To cite one example, if the mother-in-law considers the traditional saree as the most appropriate and decent outfit for married women; she might truly be horrified to see her young daughter-in-law tripping out to work everyday wearing jeans, pants or skirts. If the daughter-in-law considers the older woman’s objection to such outfits as outdated and gruffly brushes it aside, the stage is set for domestic discord.

In cases where the mother-in-law has been a housewife all her life, she may become secretly jealous of the higher social status and relative freedom enjoyed by her working daughter-in-law. This subconscious undercurrent of envy might cause the mother-in-law to become unnecessarily harsh, in extreme cases she might even poison the mind of her son turning him against his wife.

At some point in their lives most couples argue about money. In our male chauvinist society an employed wife may be expected to hand over her monthly salary to her husband or in-laws, or she might be expected to deposit her income in the couple’s joint bank account. There are homes where the husband dispenses with this income entirely as he sees fit without any consultation with the wife. Even when the husband and wife discuss financial matters, due to the patriarchal nature of our society, it is most often the man who has the final say. Gradually however, certain strong-willed woman have begun to challenge this male supremacy in financial matters within the family. They express their desire to exercise control over the money they have worked for and wish to arrive at mutually acceptable financial solutions. This refusal to unquestioningly surrender financial power can itself cause tension within the family. And God forbid the wife getting promoted to a superior position that brings in a higher pay package than the husband! The severe jolt that the husband’s ego suffers can shatter the very foundation of marriage.

These issues cause incredible stress and strain in a modern couple’s life. Since society is changing, gender roles too need to be reinterpreted. It is time for the husband and wife team to develop a concept of domestic partnership within the four walls of their home. Domestic chores need not be looked at as something derogatory meant exclusively for women.In metropolitan cities a beginning in this direction has already been made. Certain husbands in urban centres have begun pitching in with household duties without feeling ashamed about it. Simultaneously the older generation too has to develop a broadrer outlook. Society should accept the fact that for certain women being a ‘good’ wife and mother simply isn’t enough. They have personal identities and aspirations that are separate from the identity bestowed upon them by family ties. These aspirations need not be frowned upon. Each woman is a unique individual and she should not be pressurized into adopting the stance of a silent social martyr who constantly sacrifices her personal goals at the alter of family responsibilities. Women themselves need to realize that it is humanly impossible to be super-moms and super-homemakers. It is impossible to please everyone every time. Women should therefore avoid taking on huge multitudes of responsibility and then feeling guilty when they are unable to honour all their commitments.